Today's Horoscope.

Well that is just peachy. I guess the *stars* don't know about critique week, deadlines, and other practical matters.

Cortex vs. Heart

Generally speaking, I am someone who tends to default to logic over emotion when faced with crucial decisions that need to be made. So much so that, a scientist friend of mine said to me this weekend "For Chrissake, Mary, you are more logical than I am...and I am a scientist and YOU are an artist/creative...that is just not right." I am constantly managing a balance between logic and emotion...or, more accurately, struggling to listen to my emotions, intuitions, feelings and trusting those things. In many situations, this works to my benefit...but, in certain situations, this puts me in a very wrong place. In relationships, this gets me into a LOT of trouble. I have a tendency to override my gut often because I *think* things through...I look at the person as a checklist of attributes, attitudes and qualities that do or don't gel with me. I think about what makes sense for me...what would increase the probability of having a successful relationship. If I don't "feel" that certain something that suggests there may be chemistry or attraction, I convince myself that, perhaps, that is a good thing because it will keep the relationship from moving too fast and I will REALLY get to know someone and, in time, will develop those feelings of attraction.

Yeah right. Ask me how that's worked for me.

The irony is that the best, most successful relationships I have had have been when I *felt* my way through them. It has been when my gut, my intuition has been my guide. I have spent a lot of time (and money) on developing my self and, yet, I am keenly aware of the fact that I second guess my gut more often than not. But I realized something recently...that all of this second-guessing is simply NOT going to work for me long term....or short term, for that matter. I never stopped to think about it like this, but we make poor choices when we are operating from a place of need, compensation, unconscious motivation...but most people don't really stop to look at and examine who they are. They blame others, lash out at people who do not meet their needs, believe the world is just *against* them, but that is really just a way to avoid the real issue at hand. The truth of the matter is that we have to learn to heal from our lives; this responsibility belongs to us as individuals, not our potential significant others. It is part of the building (and sometimes rebuilding) of the foundation that is the core of who we are emotionally.

What I have come to really *GET* here is that, my foundation is really quite good. I take care of myself, I repair the cracks and examine the weaknesses, and it is highly unlikely that my gut will lead me to the wrong thing. I am pretty selective in who I choose to date...I do make sure most of my checklist items are in place...because those things are important...but they are only the starting point. I realize that I have to let go of the analyzation and really listen to my heart if I am going to have the kind of relationship that goes the distance. Admittedly, that is scary to me. I have BIG emotions...you may not see them a lot, but they are there. I love BIG and I feel deeply...to give that, any part of that, to another person is such a leap of faith and trust...and it is a very valuable gift that I don't give away to just anyone because it means I am really vulnerable. The truth is that, it is only through the willingness to be vulnerable, that we really able to achieve true intimacy.

Scary, but true, to this big fat Virgo.

chilled purses.

So, this weekend, I went to part with some new friends...actually, they were mostly strangers but I have been up for social adventures lately...you know, doing things outside of my normal, mundane *stay at home and blog* routine. It was late, time to go home and I went to retrieve my purse...my friend and I looked up to the top of the fridge, where I had put it when I came in, and it was gone.

Gone.

That's right, I was about to be the victim of theft for the 5th time, I briefly thought.

Then, and epiphany....

I said, "well, the most logical place for us to look is inside the fridge."

Yes, dear readers, that made the most sense to me at this moment time...and, mind you, I had only consumed two adult beverages...and it was close to 4am. So, for all of you getting ready to correlate my crazy notions with alchohol consumption...try again.

Low and behold, where was my purse?

In the case of Red Bull in the fridge.

Strange things happen to me when I venture outside of my comfort zone.

Request for Feedback.

Ok, most of you may have already received an e-mail from me, but for those of you who have not...I'd LOVE some feedback for a concept I'm working on!

Hello dear friends.
Once again, I am summoning you all in the pursuit of information for a project I am working on.
I have just a few questions that I would LOVE some feedback on.
I am concepting a new "third" environment...think Starbucks...or your favorite local bar/club...or a local bookstore...familiar environments that you go to often.
Remember...the sky is the limit...your answers need not be practical.

1. What is your ideal social environment outside of the home (bar, restaurant, etc.)?
(what would it look like, feel like, who would the people be around you, what kind of music would be playing, where would it be located, what kind of entertainment would be offered)

2. What do you look for when you "go out" for drinks or coffee or gather with friends in a social environment?
(entertainment, the opportunity to meet new people, just having time with friends, etc.)

3. What is missing from today's social environments in your opinion?

4. What do you HATE or LOVE the most about the social environments that exist in today's culture?

5. Who is your favorite graphic design student who happens to be outrageously gorgeous and super talented?

Thanks a bunch for the feedback!

tabula rasa.

I have nothing compelling to blog about but this:
I have been so busy lately that I have not run in a week...this compounded with the fact that I feel like I am getting sick. Neither of these things would've stopped me in the past from making time for exercise. I have exercised with a fever, a complete lack of sleep, and every other adverse physical condition under the sun...but, somehow, staying healthy has trumped a need to be obsessive in the past week. Oh my, it is seriously uncomfortable...but I'm hanging in there...
yeah, I'm a bit of a freak.

Frank Gehry

Today I heard Frank Gehry speak at the Society for Neuroscience meeting here in Atlanta. It was a huge event...and, quite frankly, I don't know that I was supposed to be attending the discussion because I didn't have a fancy hang tag to wear that said who I was, where I studied and what level of education I had completed (PhD or MD). Alas, I relied on my Southern charm and natural good looks and managed to sneak in. It was awesome. So inspirational. He was so funny, down to earth, and natural. You would've thought the man was talking about baking cookies....meanwhile, back at the ranch, he freaking designed the Guggenheim in Spain...among MANY other AMAZING structures. Once again, I was struck by how the creative mind works...Hank loves to quote Louis Kahn's "form comes from wonder" piece...and it is true...all great pieces of art come from a sense of wonder and curiosity...behind that is someone who believes enough in their vision and craft to execute it. Gehry had no use for the conventions of his time, or the limits of what was, he imagined what COULD be and created it. His work is amazing, innovative, organic...and the scale of his work amplifies all of these inherent properties. He talked about "informed intuition" as being a part of his creative process...I will devote an entire blog entry to this term...but seeing how a work of art is born from these loose sketches, to scaled models to the real thing...wow. I was moved, inspired, intrigued...

Toast and kittens.

Okay, so I've had a really busy week...and have been the WORST BLOGGER EVER. Alas, I dug deep within the Mary Campbell archives and thought of this funny story to tell...a little insight into why, perhaps, I have struggled with food issues in my life.
It all started back in high school when we adopted our cat, Nicholas. Nicholas was one of those cats that had absolutely no use for humans. He did his own thing, was very independent and had a very odd personality. Well, my mom had this fabulous toaster. It was probably a hand-me-down from her mother, but was one of those great old stainless steel 50's toasters.

I was home from college one weekend and went to make myself some toast for breakfast...I put the toast in the toaster and about 2 minutes later, smelled a most horrific odor coming from the toaster...the following conversation ensued:

Mary: mom, WHAT is that awful smell coming from the toaster?

Mom: oh, Nicholas likes to watch himself pee and has taken to peeing on the toaster.

Mary: WHAT? GROSS? Mom, why don't you just get RID of that toaster and get a new one...that is disgusting!!

Mom: well, we just turn the toaster on REALLY HIGH and burn out the urine...it won't hurt you...it just smells gross.

And they wondered why I needed so much therapy...I rest my case.

The Fair.

So I went to the Georiga National Fair yesterday.
What an adventure it was...the people watching was pretty amazing...but I'll let you all see for yourselves...
To see all of my fabulous fair pics, GO HERE.
Here is a series of more "artsy" shots.

Here are my Southern redneck pride shots.

Here are some compelling reasons NOT to eat too many funnel cakes.

I encourage EVERYONE to get to a local fair as quickly as possible...if nothing else, you'll walk away feeling beautiful, smart and thin.

This one is for Biggy and Harpy.

GO TIGERS!!!

Conversation with my sister (take 2).

One more excerpt from a sister - mary conversation this weekend.

Mary: so, Elizabeth, if you could do ANYTHING, what would it be? I mean...if it didn't matter about money, kids, all of that...everything would be taken care of...

Elizabeth: Mary, I have a child and a husband now...that is who I am...I can't just do whatever I want to do...

Mary: I realize this. I am not proposing that you kill your child, divorce your husband, have a sex change and flee the country...I was asking you to IMAGINE...just use your IMAGINATION...if you could do anything, what would your dream job be?

Elizabeth: Look, Mary, I'm sorry, I don't have some kind of ROMANTIC answer about what I'm PASSIONATE about... (note the condescending tone)

Mary: never mind then.

This, my dear readers, is indicative of the great divide between myself and my family. Passion, love, and an absolute devotion to what I do is what motivates me to get up in the morning and stay up all night to finish a project. There is nothing else I could do or would want to do. I have never been one to be able to sit with a sense of mediocrity...If there is something out there for me...that is exactly who I am and what I want to do, I am going to find a way to get it. Passing time, wasting time on things that don't really fit...is not for me...even if it means I sacrifice "security," approval, understanding and assurance, nothing is worth the cost of self-sacrifice.

In some ways it is sad that my family and I will never see things eye-to-eye, but that we have managed to figure out a way to navigate the troubled waters of our relationships and (most of the time) respect one another is a fairly amazing thing.

Tuesday's Reading Assignment.

World's Shortest Fairytale

(sent to me by a fabulous friend.)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" . . .and, the girl lived happily ever! And afterwards, she went shopping, dancing, took cruises, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex when and with whomever she pleased... did whatever the heck she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled at will, had many friends, both men and women, didn't save money and, had all the hot water to herself. Further, she went to the theatre, never had to watch football, never wore absurd lacy lingerie that crept up her butt, possessed good self esteem, never cried or swore and, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants.

Monday's Video.

Here's a video we did for the new kids this quarter.
It's the best that could be done between midnight and 6am.

Weekend Retrospective.

So mom and sis left today...all in all, it was a quick, uneventful trip. We went out to eat on Friday night...at ONE midtown kitchen. The food was heavy, the atmosphere was entirely too loud and I think there was a Jessica Simpson look-a-like conference happening at the table behind us, but it was fun, nonetheless. Saturday was spent driving all over Atlanta, doing some shopping, going to the HIGH and then having a most FABULOUS dinner at Floataway Cafe. Here's a little bit of our conversation home in the car.

Mom: Mary, what are all of these PEOPLE doing out on the street this late?

Mary: Well, mom, it is a city and you guys are staying across from the Fox theatre where Keith Urban was in concert.

Mom: I mean, there are a lot of black people in Atlanta!

Mary: yes, there are.

Mom: and they all drive such fancy cars...is that bass coming from your car?

Mary: Um, no.

Mom: My goodness, that is LOUD!

Mary: yes, it is very loud.

Elizabeth (sister): (rolling her window down) what is that smell?

Mary: (looking at Elizabeth with a "duh" expression)

Elizabeth: I think it might be a skunk.

Mary: I don't think it's a skunk. I believe midtown Atlanta solved the out-of-control skunk popluation problem in the late 80's.

Elizabeth: no, it really smells like a skunk.

Mary: you know what else smells like a skunk?

Elizabeth: I've SMELLED marijuana before...but THAT is a skunk.

Mary: You're probably right. I'm sure the car PACKED with people that is filled with smoke are probably just a bunch of skunk collectors going to the monthly saturday night skunk meeting in downtown Atlanta.

Weekend Madness!!!

This is going to be a throw-down weekend for me.
My sister and mom are coming to visit...it is their semi-annual "Mary Check-up."

Things that will be a disppointment to them:
1. I am still gay.
2. I am still not painting still lifes and landscapes
3. I still curse. A lot.
4. I am still a registered Democrat/Independent and dislike GW.
5. I am still gay.

Things that they will be excited about:
1. I am single
2. I have very cute apartment.
3. I am happy.
4. I am doing well in school.
5. I may actually be employed by something other than a restaurant in several months.
6. I am single.

You see, my family and I get along "great." We enjoy each other's company, like to go out to eat together, appreciate the arts...it's a beautiful life. What is beneath that, though, is like Pandora's box. Emotional topics are OFF LIMITS. Talking about things that are REAL or express something of substance...I think we'd all rather drink bleach than reveal ourselves to one another.

It is strange for me because I really try not to have those kind of relationships with people I am close to now. In fact, I don't have those kind of relationships anymore. It is too hard to keep everything neatly tucked away in it's little box, only to be taken out on certain occassions...like when Hell freezes over.

Then there are those things...those little emotional landmines that we are careful to step around...like the fact that my sister is "friends" with my ex who was mean, manipulative and abusive during the course of our relationship (and, especially, afterwards)....or my ex of 4 years who they did not acknowledge, wouldn't speak to or look at if they saw us together in public...we avoid that topic as much as possible...they never even asked if we had broken up or what had happened when I moved here...without her. We just smile, talk about the weather, pretend that those things are JUST NOT THERE. I hold that space of invisibility just as much as they do. It's really quite fucked up.

But, alas, there are fresh flowers in my apartment, the temperature is perfect outside and we have reservations at a lovely restaurant for my special birthday dinner. Maybe ignorance is bliss...but I doubt it.

Poetry Reading at Tech.

For those of you unfortunate enough to miss Tania's poetry reading yesterday afternoon at Georgia Tech, well, you really F*&e@#'d up. To be honest with my gentle readers, I was not particularly fired up about hearing the other poets...despite the fact that I would consider myself to be above average in intelligence, a good deal of poetry goes straight over my head. I had read Tania's work before, was familiar with the content and was excited to hear her speak, however...so felt that possibly subjecting myself to an hour's worth of literary confusion would be well worth it.

I was right.

Once, a friend told me, after we had visited a gallery opening together and she had seen me looking at the work and talking to the artist that she felt she had witnessed me "in my element." I wasn't totally sure what she had meant but interpreted it as meaning...I'm an artist...artists like art....we were in an art gallery...I was an artist in an art gallery looking at art. It all fits.

It was exciting to see another artist in HER element yesterday.

In the past year at PC, I have struggled with the issue of disclosing personal things in my design work...putting my joy and pain into my work...I really couldn't tell you why because my art is full of it, but there is something about having to defend one's work to a panel and disclose things that are sensitive, difficult or personal that just about sends me over the edge.

I have a new level of respect for Tania because she, with confidence, grace and humor creates amazing work from all of these things of her life...without apology, without softening the blow of her truth to her audiences, she puts it out there and people get it...her words resonate with people because they are real and beautiful...they convey a truth that, although reflects Tania's individual experience, reflects a truth many of us understand and have experienced. Perhaps, now, I understand why you can never be "too personal" (as Hank likes to say)...because it is the most authentic and powerful way one can communicate...Tania's reading is proof of this.

So...for those of you who have not heard Tania speak or were DUMB enough to miss yesterday...SHAME on you...it was fantastic. Plus, she had a kick ass dress that I fully intend to steal when I kidnap her child, Lola.

20 questions.

What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
cheese

If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
my stomach would be made perfect.

What's one thing you like to do alone?
paint, write, read.

Do you have a fear?
many...too many sometimes.

What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I talk too much.

Do you know anyone famous?
Not yet.

Describe your bed.
I built it.

What do you carry with you at all times?
my sense of humor.

How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
a LOT.

What color is your bedroom?
off white

What was the last song you were listening to?
Lovely Rita (The Beatles)

Have you ever been in love?
Yes

Do you talk a lot?
Yes

Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Yes, most of the time...I'd say 90% of the time.

What is your ideal marriage location?
Someplace where it's legal

Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
I wish I could sing

What smell do you find sexy.
clean, just showered...or sleepy morning smell.

How do you eat an apple
with my mouth...probably like a horse would.

What do you order at a bar?
dirty ketel one martini or stoli and cranberry with a splash of soda

What's one trait you hate in a person?
pretentiousness

What kind of watch do you wear?
one that is currently broken.

Do you consider yourself materialistic?
sometimes...I am brand loyal...and I love things...but things do not define me...so...you do the math

What do you cook the best?
Pizza.

Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Stand out....of course.

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
probably not.

What's one car you will never buy?
Hummer

If you won the lottery, what would you do?
Travel, have a fabulous studio somewhere quiet and beautiful, give money to animal rescue organizations.

What's one thing you're a loser at?
dancing. singing.

Do you cry in front of your friends?
not if I can help it

What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
social, outgoing, gregarious...

Are you a lover or a fighter?
lover

When's the last time someone made you cry?
recently enough.

Favorite communication method?
face-to-face...wherever.

How many drinks before you're tipsy?
depends on what I'm drinking.

Who do you wish you talked to more?
"god"

Weekend Fun!

This should be a very exciting weekend for me!
There are two very cool things going on in the city of Hotlanta.
1. I am going to personally meet Debbie Millman's new best friend, Minus 5.
and
2. Southern Comfort.
I know what you all are thinking, Southern Comfort? Isn't that Bourbon? A rather odd thing to celebrate, even for a girl from south Louisana. Alas, it is not what you think. Southern comfort is the WOLRD'S LARGEST TRANSGENDERED PERSON'S CONFERENCE and it is held here in the mighty city of Atlanta. Yes, folks, that's right...women that look like Bea Arthur are going to be running rampant the streets of Midtown...I may have a date by the weekend, yet.

It seems that M5 thinks we don't know why she is REALLY coming down here...she thinks WE think she's coming to hear Tania read poetry...but I found this pic on the internet...and I think it's time she just tell the world...she's the queen of Southern Comfort 2006.

a beautiful quote.

(typographic interpretation courtesy of Hank)

Recommended Fall Reading.

I'm reading this book, "The Year of Magical Thinking."
It's amazing.
I cried in public (at the park) while reading it today.
That, my friends, is unprecedented behavior for this Virgo...granted, I had sunglasses on and was far away from other human beings...but there were small bugs in the grass all around me...making me very conscious of myself the entire time.
It is basically (so far...I'm half-way through it) about this woman's grief process in the year following her husband's death...I know...not totally uplifting, but seriously good.

Here's a little taste to pique your interest:
"Life changes fast.
Life changes in an instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."

Isn't that the truth? We all believe-on some level-that there is no fragility to this existence of ours. That life is not a gift but a given, but the truth is that everything is terribly, frighteningly in delicate balance. We take love for granted when we have it. We take friends for granted when they are with us. We take time for granted when we have it. We don't take enough time because we are always reaching for the next thing. All of this makes me want to slow down even more...really absorb each minute of this amazing life we are given. Be more patient with myself, with life, with all of it. Be more present with everything and everyone in my life. Imagine what life could be like if more people dared to live in the present...fully concsious and aware in the present? Amazing, I would imagine...pretting friggin' amazing.

Take me out....

So I went to a Braves game last night...let me just start by saying that I am not a sports person. Though I enjoy the social aspects of going to a game, hanging out with friends and the hotdog and beers that they sell for outrageous amounts of money, I haven't a CLUE how these games work. I like to watch tennis and women's basketball. I understand these two sports...somewhat. This is my friend, Emily, trying to school me on the finer nuances of Major League Baseball. Now that I've given all of my sports disclaimers, there is something really exciting about living in a city that actually has a professional sports team where you can go and see the game for $5 on a Friday night, watch fireworks and do some seriously good people watching. This guy was my favorite. .He had on this lovely straw hat, these very preppy white glasses and sat with his hands folded the entire time. I don't know if he was "all there" if you know what I mean, but I enjoyed that he could sit alongside the mulleted redneck pounding Budweisers screaming obscenities at the players and not seem out of place. The only bad thing that happened was that, when we went to purchase our beers, I was NOT asked for my ID. Audrey says that is because they only need to see 2 ids when one purchases beer, but I think she was just trying to make me feel better. I've only been 30 a week and already, the aging has begun...I saw wrinkles the other day..