Why illness is bad for design.

The number one thing that sucks about being sick is the following: I have been reading a lot of blogs...blogs I don't normally read...and, as a result, I know what Brittany Spear's vagina looks like. Ouch. People...this is not for the faint of heart.

On the other hand, I have spent a lot of time doing some real, fine soul searching. I have compiled a list of my top 10 germ-induced ponderings.

1. Am I a good designer.
2. Should I be a designer.
3. Do I really think that design can impact the world?
4. Am I ever going to pay off these massive student loans?
5. Am I a good designer.
6. Am I a good designer.
7. Am I a good designer.
8. Am I a good designer.
9. Am I a good designer.
10. Am I a good designer.

In light of some current events in my life, I am probably questioning these things more than usual. The lesson for me: realizing that my confidence and the belief in what I do must come from within...no one else can be responsible for this but me. It is so seductive when someone else believes in you, pushes you, inspires you to do good work. It is truly a beautiful thing when we realize that this comes from a pure place...a place untainted by want, need, or some an ulterior motivation. That is the most amazing gift one can give...it is the only reason to give in the first place because you are giving without the expectation of receiving. We live in such a *what can you do for me* society...everything comes with a price, a condition. It really is unfortunate. I try to see the lesson in everything in life...I believe that all adversity is opportunity to grow, to change, to push beyond oneself. I'm not always happy about it...often, I am pissed off about it because I don't want to change or I think I am not ready to learn, but we are rarely handed circumstances that we are incapable of managing. I guess life is analogous to learning to ride a bike. We are given training wheels for only so long...then, they must come off. Inevitably, we are unsure of our ability when this happens...we are scared, unsteady and wanting of the security and balance we once knew, but, at this point, it is about trust. We have to learn to trust our ability, what we have learned and what we know. Plus, we must believe in who we are. We must have confidence to go forward, knowing we will be *okay.*

So, perhaps, my training wheels have, reluctantly, been removed and now it is time for me to really prove to myself that I am in exactly the right place at exactly the right time for the absolute right reasons.

Whew...............

sick

Today I spent my entire day on my couch...sick...perhaps, a lethal combination of not enough sleep, a runny nosed toddler, and being confined to a small space packed full of germs with no place to go (an airplane). There is nothing worse than feeling bad...but it seems that every year around this time, I get a cold. The upshot to this is that I have caught up on trash television. I watched a good bit of E!, VH1 and CNN. I also watched the movie "A Lesson Before Dying." I like a little balance.

I have basically spent my entire day in a sinus-medicine induced haze...and it sucks. I needed to work, I wanted to hang with my girl tonight and cook dinner, and feeling bad really irritates me. Soooo, send a few good thoughts my way so I feel better tomorrow.

Introducing....

In the spirit of Tania's *oh, pity me...I don't get enough comments on my blog* entry, I would like to alert my fellow blogging pals to a friend of mine who is a new blogger on the scene who has, sadly enough, not gotten ANY posts to her blog yet. Check it out. She rocks. Seriously, would I steer you all in the wrong direction on this lovely Saturday eve?

http://livingonpurpose.typepad.com/

Worst. Blogger. Ever.

Yes. I am the worst blogger ever. I willingly admit this. I promise to be more attentive to my fellow bloggers. I have just not had much to report on. I leave to go to Connecticut tomorrow to hang with my family...we do a family reunion every year with my mom's side of the family which we have done for the last 20 years. It's pretty amazing that we have kept it up, but it means a lot to my mom and dad. Like church on Christmas, sometimes we just have to do things that make our parents happy...and, quite honestly, it's usually a lot of fun. My extended family actually ask me about my *love life*...usually, there is not too much to report, but it is nice to be acknowledged. My parents, my sister...they never ask and I've spent a lot of time thinking that it didn't really matter...that my *love life* is just a small part of my life, but then I imagine what my sister would be like if she could not talk about her husband or her family...and it puts it all into context for me. Who we love, how we love, what we love...it is a huge part of who we are...and it just sucks when sharing that is awkward, unwelcomed, uncomfortable or just offensive to someone...especially one's family. I never really think about it and it rarely bothers me until I have to go home...then, once again, I am reminded of how a HUGE part of my life is invisible to my family.

The Weekend Festivities of 4th Street.

In the spirit of Tania's "neighborhood appreciation" blog, I thought I'd share with my kind readers what was going on in my neighborhood this weekend. It was BET's annual HIP HOP awards...and there was definitely some good people watching. Fortunately for me, I live on a street that is very popular for cruising, picking up transsexual hookers and purchasing illegal drugs on any random day of the week so one can imagine how things picked up with the weekend festivities. I was talking to a friend of mine and was thinking that, perhaps, I was being prejudiced by feeling uncomfortable with all of the random people walking around...many of them looking rather thuggish. He reminded me that these were not the Colin Powell awards nor was Oprah Winfrey's studio audience in town...it was the HIP HOP awards...these are people who rap about shooting people, banging "bitches," doing drugs and many other *not so on the up and up* activities. I know my feelings about this may be a disappointment to some of my readers, but I stand by what I say. I do not think that the HIP HOP community is propelling society (african american and otherwise) into a higher level of consciousness. I understand that the lyrics reflect that lifestyle and trials and tribulations of *the street* and I also think that, perhaps, degrading women and endorsing a life of crime and irresponsibility is not the way to inspire people to live better. I strongly believe that the things that we think, say, and feel create the environment in which we exist...at our essence we are all energy...just energy...molecules, really...so it is up to us to create the world in which we wish to live through our thoughts and actions.

Here we are now. Entertain us.

This is what happens when people presenting work are BORING. I doodle. I doodle a lot. I write notes. I threaten suicide. It's simply NOT pretty. Perhaps this is why the concept of having *theatre* in one's presentations is SO important. I mean, I don't need a team of midget clowns to hold my attention, but ego-inflating talk about this brillliant custom typeface or that extrodinary signage application is just NOT interesting. I guess I am totally not interested in people who are super impressed with themselves...it is SUCH a turnoff. Confidence and humility indicate a healthy sense of self...and, for GOD'S sake, please learn to laugh at yourself. I mean, we're friggin' designers....not brain surgeons. Ultimately, the appropriate typeface selection is NOT going to save someone's life or create worldwide peace. That concludes today's rant. I could go on. There is much I could go on about, but I'll stop there.

Cinema with Mary.

Today, I offer you some kind advice.
Do NOT rent this movie...it is, perhaps, the slowest, most pointless movie. I love Anthony Hopkins, Gywneth Paltrow and Jake Gyllenhaal but, dear god, this was a bad movie.

I don't know why, but I have a knack for sniffing out the WORST movies...I don't know what it is...but if there is a lame movie to be rented, I'm going to rent it. If I were a truffle hunting pig, I would, most certainly be bacon by now. I did rent Crash recently and THAT was a good movie...very thought provoking and layered...I like that kind of thing. I also watched Sketches of Frank Gehry...super inspirational and interesting.

So, if you have any suggestions for movies...send them on and please don't send sucky recommendations.

Thank you.

Shitty Tuesday.

Today I am over my projects. I have somehow managed to put myself in a very shitty place and I am wishing I could be 8 years old with chocolate all over my face and not a care in the world. I hate when I get to this place in the quarter where nothing feels like it is working...I know it is all part of the process and I'll get through it but, right now, I want to toss my computer out of the window.

Happy Mother Fucking Tuesday.

GEAUX TIGERS!!!

Thought for Thursday.

*that thing*

It is amazing what happens to a person in his or her time at Portfolio Center. When I started school last July, I had no idea how much my life would change, how much I would change. So much of it has very little to do with design and is truly about fully becoming the person you are meant to be. I have always put a priority on becoming a highly self-actualized person...to know oneself, to understand one's feeling and motivations, makes for a rich and fulfilling life. Relationships are more healthy, deep, real and based on respect and appreciation for the individuality of another.

Which brings me to the topic du jour.

Relationships.

Since my move to Atlanta, I have gone through SO much transition. Leaving a 4 year relationship with someone I thought I'd never be without. Starting on a journey to discover the real center of myself. Attempting to "date" after not having really been on a date since I was 20. It's been quite a ride. I have met some wonderful people, had some amazing experiences and been consistently challenged to hold steady on my own path. I can honestly say, I have met each challenge.

I seriously was starting to think that I would never meet anyone who would really turn MY head. It seems I am often in a situation where I am the "fallen in love with." It is rare that the feelings between myself and another are mutual. In fact, I can only recall one time when that has been the case and that was with CJ, my ex of 4 years. I chose her based completely on the fact that I was in love with her (plus we were highly compatible). I never questioned it for a minute.

Enter my big fat cortex. Whenever my head gets involved in the big decision making with regard to relationships, there is ALWAYS a problem. I have been SO much in my head in the past year....so much. I haven't really felt too much until recently...maybe in the past 5-6 months. But, slowly, I am letting go bit by bit. Maybe it was then that I decided to specifically ask for what I want....to be able to say to myself, I will not accept anything less than what I KNOW a relationship can be. I want to feel that *thing*. I have spent the past year, convincing myself that the *thing*, the spark was silly, unnecessary, irrelevant and possibly just a bad thing. And, I rarely get the *thing.* Most people just don't turn my head, don't really capture my attention. It takes a very special person...and I don't know if I have been open to it.

Flash forward to the present.

I have met someone. It's VERY early, and I hesitate to say too much, but she is fabulous and I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know someone, laugh with someone, and not feeling like I have to "manage" a situation where our feelings are unequal. It's funny how when you really focus on yourself, get happy with who YOU are, and start to really seek out joy in life, the right people come into your life. I guess it's all about the unexpected joy and surprises that life offers when we are open to the possibilities.