Wednesday, November 01, 2006

*that thing*


It is amazing what happens to a person in his or her time at Portfolio Center. When I started school last July, I had no idea how much my life would change, how much I would change. So much of it has very little to do with design and is truly about fully becoming the person you are meant to be. I have always put a priority on becoming a highly self-actualized person...to know oneself, to understand one's feeling and motivations, makes for a rich and fulfilling life. Relationships are more healthy, deep, real and based on respect and appreciation for the individuality of another.

Which brings me to the topic du jour.

Relationships.

Since my move to Atlanta, I have gone through SO much transition. Leaving a 4 year relationship with someone I thought I'd never be without. Starting on a journey to discover the real center of myself. Attempting to "date" after not having really been on a date since I was 20. It's been quite a ride. I have met some wonderful people, had some amazing experiences and been consistently challenged to hold steady on my own path. I can honestly say, I have met each challenge.

I seriously was starting to think that I would never meet anyone who would really turn MY head. It seems I am often in a situation where I am the "fallen in love with." It is rare that the feelings between myself and another are mutual. In fact, I can only recall one time when that has been the case and that was with CJ, my ex of 4 years. I chose her based completely on the fact that I was in love with her (plus we were highly compatible). I never questioned it for a minute.

Enter my big fat cortex. Whenever my head gets involved in the big decision making with regard to relationships, there is ALWAYS a problem. I have been SO much in my head in the past year....so much. I haven't really felt too much until recently...maybe in the past 5-6 months. But, slowly, I am letting go bit by bit. Maybe it was then that I decided to specifically ask for what I want....to be able to say to myself, I will not accept anything less than what I KNOW a relationship can be. I want to feel that *thing*. I have spent the past year, convincing myself that the *thing*, the spark was silly, unnecessary, irrelevant and possibly just a bad thing. And, I rarely get the *thing.* Most people just don't turn my head, don't really capture my attention. It takes a very special person...and I don't know if I have been open to it.

Flash forward to the present.

I have met someone. It's VERY early, and I hesitate to say too much, but she is fabulous and I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know someone, laugh with someone, and not feeling like I have to "manage" a situation where our feelings are unequal. It's funny how when you really focus on yourself, get happy with who YOU are, and start to really seek out joy in life, the right people come into your life. I guess it's all about the unexpected joy and surprises that life offers when we are open to the possibilities.

6 comments:

minus five said...

"It seems I am often in a situation where I am the 'fallen in love with.'"

this has constantly been a problem for me. i can't seem to shake all of the people who can't help but be addicted to me.

MCALDWELLC said...

we can start a support group...maybe even a support blog.

Jason said...

i wonder if the same is true for (y)our professional lives as well? I'm about to make a premeditated decision on a job based on so many things, but primarily fate, timing, confidence (their confidence in me), and respect. Is that enough?

Tania Rochelle said...

Hey Mary, is she fat too?

aud said...

I'm so happy for you mare. and no she's not fat. she's wonderful...see I told you that canned air video would bring you all the hot ladies :)

a/ok said...

does she have a brother?