Thursday, June 29, 2006

Baton Rouge Bound.

(So much to blog little time....I'm on Audrey's computer right now...mine is still in the logic board needed to be replaced! Imagine the irony of that...MY logic board. It should be back soon...I can't wait....2 weeks without my laptop has just about sent me over the edge.)

I go home this weekend as well to see my family in Baton I'm sure I'll come back with a load of good family-time stories. I do love to see my niece; she is absolutely precious...and I like to wisper things like "democrat" "liberal" "lesbian" and "my daddy is gay" in her ear...just in hopes that maybe ONE of those could be her first multi-syllable words/sentences. Only kidding, I just say "fuck" over and over...I KNOW she can learn that one.

In actuality, going home is always a mixed bag. On the one hand, I do love my family...they are fun, we have great meals together, and my mom is very sweet and nurturing now that I live 8 hours away (and never come home). Plus, as an added bonus, I am single. They are always much happier when there is no one significant in my life...because maybe, just maybe there is hope I can be changed into the perfect, straight daughter. Alas, tis impossible and so we just drink our martinis and have lovely conversations about a lovely bunch of nothing. The part I hate the most is that a HUGE part of me is invisible. But what do you do? I just continue to live my life, make the best choices I can and hope that one day...that is good enough. Ultimately, it really doesn't matter...ultimately, I am the one who has to live with me...regardless of whether or not I get anyone's approval or recognition. And knowing that in my head versus knowing it in my heart are are two very different concepts. Luckily, for me, I learned a long time ago that asking people to give you something they are absolutely not capable of giving is an exercise in emotional exhaustion. At some point, whether these people are your family, your spouse or your friends, you have to let go of the need to GET something from them and the needs have to be met elsewhere. This is why I have a AMAZING, wonderful group of friends who are my family of the heart.

So wish me I embark on my mini-bayou-adventure!


Trisha said...
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Trisha said...

Trisha said...
I agree, you can't force someone to give what they don't possess. You know, my parents, like yours, failed to meet my needs as a child and continue to do so today. Luckily I no longer seek their approval. But, I wonder, do I need my parents to see me? How does the invisibility truly affect me, or my significant other? When I join in the silly charade, is my passive participation less culpable than their blatant disrespect? Sorry, I didn't mean to pontificate, as you can tell these questions haven't been on my mind at all this week. hehe. enjoy your trip's hot as hell, but at least you have a tan. T

7:36 PM

Anne-Davnes said...

Ah yes. Learning how to juggle your relationships and get different nourishment from different people is tricky. Loving them for what they CAN offer you, rather than resenting them for what they can't is really tough. I still struggle with it today. But getting it can be nourishing in itself. It also makes the relationships you build away from your family of origin all the more important and helps me to be a more giving and forgiving person. It's a big part of why I teach. There's just so much damn love to spread around.... and it's wonderful.