Monday, October 23, 2006

Cortex vs. Heart


Generally speaking, I am someone who tends to default to logic over emotion when faced with crucial decisions that need to be made. So much so that, a scientist friend of mine said to me this weekend "For Chrissake, Mary, you are more logical than I am...and I am a scientist and YOU are an artist/creative...that is just not right." I am constantly managing a balance between logic and emotion...or, more accurately, struggling to listen to my emotions, intuitions, feelings and trusting those things. In many situations, this works to my benefit...but, in certain situations, this puts me in a very wrong place. In relationships, this gets me into a LOT of trouble. I have a tendency to override my gut often because I *think* things through...I look at the person as a checklist of attributes, attitudes and qualities that do or don't gel with me. I think about what makes sense for me...what would increase the probability of having a successful relationship. If I don't "feel" that certain something that suggests there may be chemistry or attraction, I convince myself that, perhaps, that is a good thing because it will keep the relationship from moving too fast and I will REALLY get to know someone and, in time, will develop those feelings of attraction.

Yeah right. Ask me how that's worked for me.

The irony is that the best, most successful relationships I have had have been when I *felt* my way through them. It has been when my gut, my intuition has been my guide. I have spent a lot of time (and money) on developing my self and, yet, I am keenly aware of the fact that I second guess my gut more often than not. But I realized something recently...that all of this second-guessing is simply NOT going to work for me long term....or short term, for that matter. I never stopped to think about it like this, but we make poor choices when we are operating from a place of need, compensation, unconscious motivation...but most people don't really stop to look at and examine who they are. They blame others, lash out at people who do not meet their needs, believe the world is just *against* them, but that is really just a way to avoid the real issue at hand. The truth of the matter is that we have to learn to heal from our lives; this responsibility belongs to us as individuals, not our potential significant others. It is part of the building (and sometimes rebuilding) of the foundation that is the core of who we are emotionally.

What I have come to really *GET* here is that, my foundation is really quite good. I take care of myself, I repair the cracks and examine the weaknesses, and it is highly unlikely that my gut will lead me to the wrong thing. I am pretty selective in who I choose to date...I do make sure most of my checklist items are in place...because those things are important...but they are only the starting point. I realize that I have to let go of the analyzation and really listen to my heart if I am going to have the kind of relationship that goes the distance. Admittedly, that is scary to me. I have BIG emotions...you may not see them a lot, but they are there. I love BIG and I feel deeply...to give that, any part of that, to another person is such a leap of faith and trust...and it is a very valuable gift that I don't give away to just anyone because it means I am really vulnerable. The truth is that, it is only through the willingness to be vulnerable, that we really able to achieve true intimacy.

Scary, but true, to this big fat Virgo.

7 comments:

Tania Rochelle said...

You're not fat, Mary.

minus five said...

yeah, mary, you're not fat. and also, my skills are worse than yours.

MCALDWELLC said...

ladies, ladies, ladies...I know I'm not *fat*...totally NOT the point of the blog....geez...

Tania Rochelle said...

You could totally drink 2% milk.

minus five said...

t: funny. i forgot about that line.

MCALDWELLC said...

please inform...where is that line from?

J. said...

Well, what can you say. Logic is so safe and warm, like a blanket that you know and love. You can always count on predictable logic to guide you down the path of righteousness. (And, with logic, we can all be so insufferably self righteous.) Of course, logic also guarantees a life of predictable boredom. With logic in charge, we can all count on a safe and stable marriage to an accountant or engineer. (I am sure that there are interesting and exciting accountants or engineers.) We'll spend our weekends balancing check books and eating steamed vegetables. With low cholesterol, we can retire to lives in the country, replete with crafts, gardening and financial stability. Emotions and "feelings" are unpredictable and, naturally, uncomfortable. However, the unknown holds intrigue and mystery, and when you boil down life, that's the spice, not the starch (logic).

Nice entry, Mary. You aren't alone in your search for balance and equity between the right and left sides of the brain.