Sir Mary McLuhan.

Here it is...my man cut.
And that is my "angry model" pose.
:(

I've been whacked.

Today I got my hair cut. I asked my hair seamstress to give me a cut similar to a friend of mine...just a little longer... Didn't I say, "just a little big longer?" LONGER. yeah, that's right. LONGER. As in, more length...more as opposed to less inches. To make a long story short (no pun intended) I got scalped. My hair is now shorter than it has EVER been and I am feeling EXTREMELY self-couscious about it. Whenever my hair is too short, I start feeling like I look "dykey." I don't want to look like a little boy and I now am sporting a little boy haircut. Why is it that we, women, are so obsessed with our haircuts. A good haircut can make you look and feel 10 pounds lighter, tan and markedly more intelligent. A bad haircut can leave you feeling fat, stupid and masculine. It's all so irrational. On the brighter side of life, this short haircut means that now I can, possibly wait 4 months until my next haircut instead of my usual 2.5. Maybe my guy was just trying to think of my financial situation and help me out a bit. Yeah, that's what it was. I'll post an actual picture later...when I get over myself and my hair shock.

Dream Studio...

So I found this picture in one of my magazines the other day and I thought to myself, THIS is the kind of place I want to work. Big open spaces, lots of light, nature RIGHT at your fingertips. Could it get any better? I think not. As much as I love the activity, living in a city, I think I would do best with access to both worlds. Nature, a lack of stimuli and quiet are the things that bring me a sense of inner-peace when I am lacking it...and peace is required for me to be able to work well. I am not someone who works well in chaos.

NOT sorry.

Tania's blog inspired me to post this piece that I did a few year ago. The thing about painting versus writing is that, once a piece is created, it can never REALLY be re-created. Sure, you can make a print, but the texture, feeling, rawness (is that a word?) of a piece is lost in translation. Once I give away or sell a piece...it is GONE.

There are a few pieces that I have chosen to keep because they were so profoundly personal...I couldn't imagine anyone else owning them. This is one of those pieces.

I did this when I was with CJ, the woman I was with for (almost) four years prior to moving to Atlanta. My relationship with her was one of the most beautiful, loving and profoundly important relationships that I have had to date. It was also one of the most complicated relationships because of extenuating circumstances, family, and other things too numerous to mention.

We truly had to walk through fire to be with one another. We both made some serious sacrifices because we loved each other and we wanted to be together. We both believed that love WOULD conquer all...and it didn't. What a hard lesson to learn. Probably the most painful and gut wrenching lesson that the world has to offer.

This piece, however, was done in the beginning...before life, stress, and fear had worn us down to nothing. It is about NOT apologizing. Not apologizing for who you are, what you feel, who you love, how you love and how you choose to express that. The truth is that I will never apologize for living honestly and fearlessly AND I believe it is my duty to chronicle my life experiences though my art.

Anonymous.

My recent anonymous blogger comment generated so much banter on my site that I decided, why not just tackle this one head on? I have no obligation to respond and yet the comment reminded me of something that I forget so often...something that I have spent a good part of my life punishing myself for: being human and fucking up.

Just to recap, here was the original comment:

"perhaps the universe is trying to send u a message about being broken, mary. about what you have broken. about what you have left for others to pick up and be cut up by what is left. what do you think? what do you honestly feel? do not reply if you are going to give a "psychobabble" answer."

First, I want to address the part about being broken. Those of us with hope in the world and ourselves, those of us who believe in a higher power, those of us who look for meaning in our lives, our feelings, our thoughts and our behavior are NOT broken. Broken is a state of being reserved for those of us who have given up. Being "broken" is not about failures, struggles, or getting, being and staying lost for any period of time. If that were true, we would all be broken.

Have I made major mistakes, hurt people very badly, fucked up ROYALLY? yes. Without a doubt. What I think is that sometimes we make choices that have to do with our own survival. We make choices out of fear. We make really tough choices because we believe we have no other options... Does that make it okay, good, bad, anything? No. It just makes life real, raw, beautiful, gritty, unpredictable, scary, and even, ugly, at times.

I wish I could spare myself and anyone I come into contact with the possibility of pain, fear, rejection, and hurt but it is impossible. That is the risk we take by being social creatures. When we share any part of ourselves with another person, when we give something of ourselves to someone else, we risk that it may hurt if things change, if they go away, if we are rejected. That, I would venture to say, is the nature of vulnerability; it is the willingness to risk being hurt and to feel pain.

I would also suggest that nothing in life is ever as simple as it appears...that there are often layers of complexity that factor into any situation. Especially when it comes to relationships (of any kind). If my anonymous poster would like to reveal his or her identity, I would be happy to talk to him or her about any aspect of my choices and/or behavior. I have no shame nor anything to hide.

Violation, Take 3.

So today, Audrey and I got home from class and what did I find?

A broken car window.

Okay, just for the record folks, this is my THIRD violation in the city of Atlanta.

First, I got my wallet stolen...my credit cards, social security card, gift certificate to Dick Blick, license, all of it. Second, my bike was stolen from RIGHT outside of my apartment door...and I live in a locked building. Nice. And now this....what could the universe be telling me? All I know is that I am over it.

My favorite part of it all? That Audrey asked me if I had any enemies. Aren't friends grand?

Muscles.

So Audrey and I went for a walk the other night and found this on the side of the road. Please do not be intimidated by my brute strength...it's impressive, I know.

Questions for My fellow Bloggers.

Hi gang,
I am doing a project on NPR...more specifically, I am re-branding NPR. I have a few questions for you guys if you have a second to respond. I would really appreciate it and I promise to post really kick ass blogs for the next week if I get 10 responses :)
Thanks...in advance.
mary

1. What do you enjoy most about NPR?
2. What do you enjoy least about NPR?
3. What drew you to NPR versus another station?
4. Do you feel the current visual style (think www.npr.com) accurately represents the brand?
5. Do you feel an emotional connection to the current NPR "brand?"
6. If you could change NPR what would you change and why?

I had a dream.

So I had another one of those weird, packed with symbolism dreams this afternoon.

Here goes...

My dream started in a building...it was raining, flooding, water everywhere....and I knew that the structure was coming down. I realized that it was *sort of* my apartment building...my things were there and I had to determine what to take and what to leave behind. I opted for my journals and some art. Somehow, my pets were not there. I wanted to go through the building, go upstairs, check it all out, but I couldn't. Literally, things were falling down around me.
Here's where it gets weird...
So in the middle of this, I get a ring. A beautiful ring. It is a gorgeous sapphire ring...with it is a diamond band. Although I get the two rings together, they are not connected. The sapphire ring is like a prize...a reward for doing something. The diamond band is far more personal...but I don't really know why.
And here's where it gets weird(er)....
So there was a kiosk where you could adopt a baby "for the day"...like it was charity trying to place foster children out VERY temporarily. I did it...I had my little bambino that I was watching out for. As the chaos around me ensued, I kept an eye on the little one...trying to protect him. He was a curious little fellow and for a moment, I lost track of him.
(now I am outside...near a lake)
So my foster baby jumps in the lake...I am standing on the bank, looking in...I can't see him, he is struggling...I want to reach in and save him but I don't. He looks like he is drowning and I stand there...still looking. Suddenly, he starts to swim...I mean, swim. This little fucker swam like a dolphin, straight to the top of the lake and jumped out.

Dream over.

Freud, are you there? Hello? Mister Jung? Anyone???

Restless in the ATL.

There is nothing worse than not being able to sleep. Today I woke up at 2:30 am and did not fall back asleep until 7am.

Yes, folks, that is a 4.5 hour hiatus in my visit to sleepy's house.

I tried everything. I journaled, I read blogs...a lot of blogs, I scoured the internet for random information, I even attempted to paint. N O T H I N G was working. I actually considered going for a walk at 4am until that voice of reason chimed in and reminded me that a woman walking around midtown among the drug dealers and hookers well after midnight might not be such a bright idea.

Then it occurred to me that, perhaps, this was an opportunity to just be. In light of the fact that I have recently realized that being present in the moment...THIS moment, THIS day, THIS second is the goal, I think that was life testing me. So I stopped...finally...and allowed myself to be conscious of exactly where I was and what I was feeling. Then and only then did I resume sleep.

How well I did on my life test, I give myself a "C" for "last night's" performance.

Yes, I'm a Virgo.

I was told a story the other day by a friend of mine. It goes (roughly) like this... A man is told that money grows on trees in Chicago. He takes a train to Chicago. He gets off of the train and looks down. What does he see? A $50 bill. Does he pick it up? No. Why? Because he believes, despite the fact that he needs the money desperately, that he will find more money as he embarks on his journey.

Why is it that we never want to look at what it right in front of us? Why are we so conditioned to doubt, deny or question something that may be exactly what we need or want when it is sitting right before us? Are we conditioned to believe that anything worth having must require work, struggle, pain? Would just accepting and going with the flow of things be so hard? Maybe that is the lesson we need though. Maybe it is about acceptance, embrace, and, ultimately, yielding to what life is handing us. Handing us. That goes so so directly against everything we are told is true about the things in life worth "having."

Nothing just falls in your lap.
Good things come to those who wait.

But perhaps everything we experience and survive to this point is preparation for what is right in front of us. Maybe that IS the lesson...I guess it all comes down to S L O W I N G down and being in the present...REALLY being in the present moment...it is truly all we have...the past is over, the future unknown...that, I must get more comfortable with.

Forget Hank's wacky classes, this is my current life assignment.

Attraction.

"You'd be surprised what you would have sex with." -Mary Campbell

Somehow, I managed to utter those words tonight to a friend as we were discussing the ever-changing laws of attraction. I'm not sure exactly why I thought that little tidbit of wisdom was worthy of any airtime, but these days, I am constantly surprising myself. My theory is this: sure, physical attraction is important...you don't want to be physically repelled by a potential dating candidate, but, at some point, it becomes irrelevant. I really believe that attraction is about a mental/emotional/spiritual connection that exists between two people...and trust. I know I have dated people I thought were extremely attractive and, after time, once they revealed their true selves...the attraction faded. On the other hand, I have met people who, initially, I was not attracted to but once I got to know them, there was definitely an attraction that developed. So I'm curious. What are the self-defined laws of attraction that we all create for ourselves? What makes someone worthy of your affections?

I'm in love.

Okay. I wanted to resist posting this blog, but I have to share the shamelessly adorable pics of my niece, Anna Katherine. I took 130 photos while I was home...just so you all know...I'm only selecting a few for your viewing pleasure. My favorite thing that I learned from her was when she has a poopy diaper she says "poo-poo uh, oh" I am definitely going to use that on my next date. I think it will definitely be a smooth new move for me to incorporate in my repertoire.

Enjoy the Journey.

"Happiness is not at station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling."
–Margaret Lee Runbeck

So I saw this movie the other night, The Peaceful Warrior. It's a little cheesy and a little Karate Kid 2006, but the message was great. It's all about appreciating and enjoying the "journey"...that the prize at the end is never as valuable as what it takes to get there. I've always agreed to that premise, but it resonated on another level for me that evening.

I am the first one to think, "I'll be happy when I can pay off my debt." or "I'll be happy when I am working at a fabulous job." or "As long as I stay (thin/young/attractive/smart/funny) I'll be 'okay.'" Well, bullshit. I've been the least happy in any of these scenarios and the most happy when I was just enjoying the present moment. I guess we all (to some degree) live in this state of hyper-anxiety about "what is yet to be." The reality is that none of us know what that will be, how it will look, who will be there...life is an organic, beautiful, experience that is in constant motion. We learn and gain the most from our experience when we yield to the ever-shifting tides of life. We are in a state of fear and anxiety when we struggle against the currents.

It is hard to stay in the place of yielding, though...I think we all have an instinct to control, to manipulate, to force things to be what we think they should be rather than allow them to be what they simply are. And isn't that true on every level...how many times have we gotten angry with a spouse, friend, or family member because they are simply BEING who they are...we get angry because it is not what WE need. But the truth of the matter is that our job is to respect and support people in becoming their most authentic selves...not try to morph them into what we need. Going home reminded me of this lesson...when you view people through their lens of who THEY are, it is much easier to love them unconditionally. It is a gentle reminder that we all need to be loved for who we are...flawed beautiful people with unlimited potential.