This is going to be a throw-down weekend for me.
My sister and mom are coming to visit...it is their semi-annual "Mary Check-up."
Things that will be a disppointment to them:
1. I am still gay.
2. I am still not painting still lifes and landscapes
3. I still curse. A lot.
4. I am still a registered Democrat/Independent and dislike GW.
5. I am still gay.
Things that they will be excited about:
1. I am single
2. I have very cute apartment.
3. I am happy.
4. I am doing well in school.
5. I may actually be employed by something other than a restaurant in several months.
6. I am single.
You see, my family and I get along "great." We enjoy each other's company, like to go out to eat together, appreciate the arts...it's a beautiful life. What is beneath that, though, is like Pandora's box. Emotional topics are OFF LIMITS. Talking about things that are REAL or express something of substance...I think we'd all rather drink bleach than reveal ourselves to one another.
It is strange for me because I really try not to have those kind of relationships with people I am close to now. In fact, I don't have those kind of relationships anymore. It is too hard to keep everything neatly tucked away in it's little box, only to be taken out on certain occassions...like when Hell freezes over.
Then there are those things...those little emotional landmines that we are careful to step around...like the fact that my sister is "friends" with my ex who was mean, manipulative and abusive during the course of our relationship (and, especially, afterwards)....or my ex of 4 years who they did not acknowledge, wouldn't speak to or look at if they saw us together in public...we avoid that topic as much as possible...they never even asked if we had broken up or what had happened when I moved here...without her. We just smile, talk about the weather, pretend that those things are JUST NOT THERE. I hold that space of invisibility just as much as they do. It's really quite fucked up.
But, alas, there are fresh flowers in my apartment, the temperature is perfect outside and we have reservations at a lovely restaurant for my special birthday dinner. Maybe ignorance is bliss...but I doubt it.
1 comment:
that sounds awesome. i love pretending. its one of my more favorite things in life. i like it a lot when you can't discuss life and feelings honestly. i like it when people don't want you to be who you are, but instead someone they've imagined you to be. i like to let people down like that. its cool to feel that you are a disappointment, that you'll never quite measure up.
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