Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Musings Mid-day on Wednesday.

"I guess I've always been very intense, but back then the intensity was sort of manifesting itself as anxiety....Because of all this intensity I became really introspective and trying to figure out the cause and the purpose and the resolution to all that anxiety."
-Rodney Smith, photographer

Well I can definitely relate to that concept. I think of all of the time I have spent in my young life searching...constantly trying to understand and figure out what my purpose is on this earth and then, when that becomes tiresome, trying to understand, analyze and interpret the meaning of life in general. I harbor many obsessive thoughts regarding these things...they keep me awake at night...I am constantly wondering, questioning, picking apart. It is nearly impossible for me to move smoothly and effortlessly into a place of acceptance unless I have come to a thorough understanding of the issue at hand. And the issues are never simple. They are never small. Because I do see the connections among so many seemingly unrelated things, my thinking becomes web-like and I end up caught in a web of my own making. It's madness, really. It makes things so difficult because nothing is ever easy. I envy people who can JUST do...that don't have to have a 3 day thinking session. I wonder if I will ever be like that...or would I want to? Are we ever really satisfied or do we spend our lives looking to greener pastures, forever wondering? I suppose that incessant wondering, wishing to be different is as dillusional as thinking that life will be great if:
I lose 10 pounds
I was 3 inches taller
I made more money
I lived in another city
I had a new car
I was blonde
I had bigger boobs
Perhaps, the purpose of life is to figure out how to make what we are given with regard to who we are WORK. Maybe it is simply about finding peace. About acceptance of our neuroses, quirkiness, obsessiveness, beauty, talent, stubborness. Maybe it is about letting go of the impulse to harm ourselves emotionally and allow others to harm us. I don't know...clearly, I am still trying to figure it out...


Roger said...

It's about what gets you off and i think wondering is what gets you off because it implies there's more in this world to explore and you are the exploring type. You don't want boundaries to restrict you. Its that desire for control over your environment you mention -- not your environment having control over you. And thats cool, Mary. That's really cool.

cla said...

the presbyterian catechism asks "what is the chief end of man?" and answers "to serve god and enjoy him forever." if we take ourselves outside the admittedly confiming box of religion and view "god" as life or life force, therein is your answer: to serve life, i.e. to embrace, pursue, crave, worship life itself and enjoy it fully, passionately.

to me, life is about exploring the richness of the tapestry - which you call analyzing. dont beat yourself up for being awake enough to wonder, celebrate the fact that you actually see there are many threads woven together even when you don't know how/why they connect. find joy in the wondering and let yourself rest until the answer appears. celebrate *you* and tell your brain to step off. ;-)